“Lewis Makes The Best Spring Rolls.”

I make the world's best— most scrumptious, most freshest, most crispest, most unbelievably— most amazing spring rolls. Ask anyone and they'll say, "Lewis makes the best spring rolls." I am not bragging, you see, it’s common sense. Everyone recognizes three things in life, namely: 1) The sky is blue. 2) Water is wet. 3) Lewis makes the best spring rolls. Let me explain how this came to pass… One day I was enjoying some spring rolls at the local Vietnamese restaurant and I said to a fellow diner, "I can make these and people will say, 'Lewis makes the best spring rolls.'" Later that day, with my masterful gastronomic skills, my legendary creations came into being and immediately everyone was saying— actually proclaiming is more like it, "Lewis makes the best spring rolls." Within 48 hours I had received several ostentatious invites to debutante happenings, gallery openings, classical recitals, political fund raisers and such, provided of course, that I show up with my most excellent, most exquisite, most distinguished spring rolls. I was only too happy to do so. I see this as my duty, my obligation, my raison d'etre, as it were! Too many people have eaten inferior spring rolls for far too long and this I vow, that as long as I live, people will have access to the most delectable, most heavenly, most mouth-watering spring rolls available on God's bountiful planet. And for that, my spring rolls will always be available! People have attempted to pay me for bringing my luscious appetizing rich savory zesty most succulent most amazing most word-defying creations to their events. I always refuse compensation. Hearing them exclaim in ecstasy, at the risk of choking on a jalapeno or a julienned carrot, “Lewis makes the best spring rolls", is payment enough, and exclaim they do. Why the other day at a gala I just had to attend Michael Tilson Thomas himself, you know the conductor of the San Francisco Symphony? Thomas exclaimed, “Lewis makes the best spring rolls!” Note the exclamation point, dear readers, yes, he actually emphasized his endorsement for my Asian delicacies with his baton, thus deserving, in the retelling here, of an exclamation point. As excited as the notable conductor was, he sought me out to invite me up to Tahoe for several weekends, not to ski with his family as they frequently do, but to observe some national ski event. Regardless, I refused. Spring rolls suffer at high altitudes. You see, Thomas, is someone who admires the technological aspects of sports recording and how he might incorporate such strategies into his own video projects. Well, he thanked me for my time and wished me well. I sent him three dozen rolls in good will. To date I have sent four thousand, three hundred fifty two spring rolls to such deserving patrons, like Thomas, that insist, just insist, that I attend their daughter’s coming out, or their father’s recent acquisition party, or a close friend’s book signing deal, or any other of about a million similar gatherings. Yes, although I am not in the business to make an appearance at every occasion asked of me, still this I vow, that as long as I live, people will have access to the most delectable, most heavenly, most mouth-watering god-like spring rolls available on God's green earth; that they will continue to enjoy the freshest, most succulent, most awesomest, most god-inspired spring rolls ever, that upon the sight, the mere sight of these sublime delicacies they will mumble through half masticated globules of spring roll, "Lewis makes the best spring rolls," and for that, my spring rolls will always be available!